am i longing you?

yesterday night, i was awake, cant keep my eyes shutted.
i was just have a feeling like anything feels doesnt really matter anymore
i feel like i never really have what i really want
i remembered those old days, that i waste, i spent it with fear

but yesterday, i dont know, for the past month, you came across my mind.
there's a scene in my head, what i've been really wanted to tell you to for like a years back then. i kinda dont believe it, it was straight 3 years now. for doing nothing. and having a tortured feeling.
those days when a day can just be a day, and could just turn into a rainstorm for only seconds.
just because of you.

i dont know whether i should go for this.
this might open my old lame memories
but some of myself kept thinking, this might be works so that i dont have to suddenly think about those years i've been waiting for you, silently.
being silent for all those past years really not good for me
i became like a time bomb. i can feel like i could destruct myself anytime if it comes to you
but now that the fact you can not stand next to me anymore
and all those years behind i tried to buried without any sad feeling

but i feel like should too

sorry i might be haunting your night, or even tomorrow, or even nights ahead.
but
i loved you.
i was.
i hope it doesnt continue
because it wont be good for me
like the past did.